What really caused the 2013 bitcoin crash?

As everyone and their mother is aware of now, the price of bitcoins has fallen drastically, dragging the Winklevoss twins’ net worth down by over 20 million dirty dollars, destroying thousands of redditors’ “investments,” and crushing the hopes and dreams of FYGM libertarians everywhere. Since this obviously was not a speculative bubble and certainly didn’t pop because it was ridiculous, we’ll want to take a look at some of the forces that are actually at play here.

gribbleMtGOX and other smaller exchanges suffered from severe downtime and delays in trading as panic rippled through the streets and bitcoiners tried to withdraw their funds before their losses were too great. Now you may be tempted to say that these issues were due to being unprepared for the unprecedented popularity of bitcoin or that their infrastructure wasn’t suited to the unexpected rush of traffic. It could even be posited that the admins and coders were incompetent and clueless and had programmed the trading engines horribly. This couldn’t have been the case though, and instead we know for sure (because they told us and they’re absolutely trustworthy!) that every single exchange that was unreachable was being helplessly DDoSed by hundreds of thousands of anonymous hackers from notorious internet website 4chan in an attempt to both discredit Bitcoin and to drive down prices, allowing the miscreants to buy all the bitcoins at low prices before the rebound to million dollar bitcoins. Sadly, the attacks were unsuccessful and the mighty Mount Gox stands strong before us.

Some bitcoin enthusiasts have considered the logistics of launching satellites into orbit to maintain the bitcoin network and blockchain should the world economy collapse and cause a descent into anarchy. Those with access to the satellites would be able to continue mining and trading bitcoins, coming to rule over those who hadn’t planned so well. It could be that Avalon miners have surreptitiously been sent into space and slowly added to the network, their hashing throttled at the moment so as not to attract attention. Until Wednesday all was well until the notriously dangerous HAARP‘s energy was focused on these satellites, destroying the miners and destabilizing the currency, leading to the crash.

i_want_to_believeMeanwhile, the United States government has been attempting to destroy bitcoin as well, initiating their own DDoS attacks spearheaded by the CIA, launching packets from their headquarters in Langley, and the Department of Defense, using all five sides of the Pentagon to launch heretofore unprecedented attacks on bitcoin exchanges, bitcoin websites, bitcoin forums, and possibly even individual bitcoin users. Reports of imposing men dressed entirely in black suits attempting to intimidate and threaten bitcoin users have begun to trickle in. Unfortunately these reports are anonymous, as the affected users fear for their safety were they to go public.

We’ve also heard some rumors that the Freemasons are once more directly manipulating bitcoin prices, although to what extent and for what reasons we are unsure. They could be looking into colluding with the Illuminati/Bilderbergers to take control of Bitcoin while destroying the world economy and devaluing all other currencies with the ultimate goal of developing a one-world currency while ushering in the New World Order, eventually handing the planet over formally to the Reptoid aliens that have already infiltrated most of the world’s governments.

Its-A-Conspiracy