Even with ASIC mining forcing homemade rigs into extinction, altcoins and hapless newbies continue to provide us with “inventive” uses for computer hardware, cardboard, sticks, and zipties:
Reddit user BostonHelper has helpfully collected a number of angry posts from people who have purchased KnCMiner’s “Super Jupiter” ASIC Bitcoin mining rigs for upwards of $10,000. Their “investments” arrived with evidence of previous use, shoddy workmanship, and general disrepair. Stories of RMAs and refused refunds abound, but as always, the true comedy is in the crumbling, smashed, and barely assembled mining rigs that cost thousands of dollars for some reason:
Perennial Bitcoin Übermensch Bruce Wagner has returned to the spotlight with a new totally-not-a-scam website and plan to make buying Bitcoins easier! BuyBitcoin dot com seems to aim to replace the currently unavailable LocalBitcoins website through the use of a gay hookup social networking app, creating the “The Human Bitcoin ATM Project”, a network of 78-year-old men with buttcoins acting as ATMs, or, since they’re neither automatic nor machines, tellers. Simply set your age to 78, then only search for other 78-year-olds who’ve changed their user icons to a group of hands groping a Bitcoin. If you want to hook up or buy bitcoins, just check the app that was not at all designed to facilitate Bitcoin trades for nearby marks and then knife them in a parking garage, just like you would on LocalBitcoins!
While it’s fun (and accurate) to compare the Bitcoin community to a cult, how well can you, our loyal readers, tell the two apart? Inspired by this absurd post on Twitter, we started wondering.
Satoshi’s gift of Bitcoin has been likened to Prometheus’ gift of fire and what is fire for but to light the way and burn what is corrupted.
— Tim Baker (@bakersdozen93) May 8, 2014
Following are a selection of quotes, either from the leader of a dangerous (or harmless, in some cases) cult, or from a random bitcoiner who has been selected from a massive pool of dangerous sociopaths. See if you can figure out which is which without cheating via search engine:
1: You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.
2: My whole life I have suffered from poverty and have faced many disappointments and pain, like a man is used to. That is why I want to make other people happy.
3: This is a warning that if any of you attempt to kill me, all you will do is prove my reality right. In which that moment I would gain supernatural abilities.
4: We have to relearn, reprogram our brains… the method to do so is to observe if the thought comes and analyze it and replace it then with a better one.
5: If many people listen to me, that’s not my choice, it is theirs and they make it because of how I speak, not despite of it.
6: Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story
7: MAKE MONEY. MAKE MORE MONEY. MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PRODUCE SO AS TO MAKE MORE MONEY.
8: There is something to the Jewish lobby. They definitely wield large influence. They, like many others wield great power in the world.
9: The democratic world has come to a dead end; likewise, the communist world has come to a dead end.
10: Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Because in this case the cure is worse than the supposed disease.
11: We need a political organization to protect us and help us resist illegal governments.
12: Yes, we are in a transitional period and some of it might not be too pleasing to some, but to those who understand, it will be pleasing.
13: There is no direct profit for the church itself. But we have many prophets.
14: Okay, here’s an individual who says, “I will break away from the world.” Now breaking away from the world is not easy. It’s difficult. It’s tough.
15: Reason is man’s main means of survival. Force is bad because it is anti reason and therefore anti man.
16: Up to this point everything I had learned seemed ideological and somewhat abstract, but I felt the need to point out these truths to others.
After the break we’ll provide the answers. Read more…
Few Bitcoin stories are as enduring and as entertaining as that of perpetual loser Logansryche, one of the least successful bitcoiners out there. From failed virtual businesses to failed real businesses to failed business ideas, he embodies the true spirit of Bitcoin.
He was well known for being one of the “best” ideas guys out there, starting with his past business experience: a now defunct Second Life animal shelter. He would take in abandoned virtual pets, virtually feed them, and find them new virtual homes with virtual owners. This ended predictably, with all the fake animals starving to death in Videoland. This somehow qualified him to run more advanced and profitable businesses, such as BitCard, his online gift card store, but with Bitcoin! BitCard, originally hosted on some shady free webhost, was to supply not only a wide array of retail gift cards, but collectible trading cards as well, such as rare (not actually rare) Pokémon cards, baseball cards, and of course, Magic: the Gathering cards.
Some time ago we posted a collection of songs about Bitcoin, and they were all terrible. Thankfully, due to files being deleted and some sort of plugin misconfiguration, they’re no longer available. Unfortunately, SA Forums goon Paladinus dug up a bunch more for you to suffer through:
And then there’s this, which may or may not be from infamous burnout levitating rock festival planner dank:
I’ve ventured back in time for some of these computing horrors, but don’t fret; altcoin mining still provides us with new fire hazards and high power bills!
If you’re not yet familiar with Bitcoin, then you probably have more normal friends than those of the “techie” variety or have managed to avoid people in libertarian-leaning circles. Bitcoin is a digital “cryptocurrency,” a sort of online cash that is generated via a network of computers crunching numbers to solve a mathematical puzzle, so to speak. The technical aspects can be quite difficult to explain and comprehend, especially to those who wouldn’t consider themselves computer literate or those who simply cannot be bothered to care.
It was created in 2009 by a person or persons going by the pseudonym “Satoshi Nakamoto” as an experimental proof of concept in building a trustless payment system for the “dangerously antisocial.” Banks and other traditional financial institutions are eschewed in favor of a point-to-point network that shares a public ledger of every transaction made throughout the system, the “blockchain,” which users must download (and upload) in order to participate in the network. There are some exceptions to this, but for the time being, we won’t be focusing on them.
The experiment went largely unnoticed at its beginning and was mostly the domain of cryptographers and other such geeks until mid-2010, when tech media attention increased and brought in a wave of new users. At this point people began to assign value to the Bitcoin, and Bitcoin exchanges began to spring up, allowing users to trade them for other currencies, most frequently the US dollar. As it gained popularity, it began to attract a different crowd of users, those who are ideologically opposed to governmental regulation and central banking, often identifying as libertarians or worse, anarcho-capitalists.
Please, Bitcoin Jesus, take a moment to inform Darfur War Orphans that water, food, and even air are worthless to you and that they should be eating Bitcoins instead.
Apple Computer, in a stroke of genius trolling, has banned the final Bitcoin wallet app that had managed to sneak past their restrictions on in-app payments. Apple banning such apps is nothing new, but for some reason bitcoiners have become furious, their ineffectual nerd rage manifesting itself in the Bitcoin equivalent of a record- or book-burning: