The sound of Buttcoin
We’ve been so focused on the catastrophic crash of bitcoin that we’ve neglected to bring you some of the finest art that both the bitcoin and buttcoin worlds have to provide.
First, we bring you a labor of love from the SA forums:
Listen to Buttcoin
Be sure to check out the fantastic Cosby mode!
Now that we’re done with the good, on with the bad!
As Bitcoin jumps $20 overnight, someone trips over the surge protector and brings Mt. Gox down.
Bitcoin jumped from around $120 last night to over $140 this morning and of course Magic The Gathering Online eXchange shit itself because it’s run by a closet brony.
This is a company that makes $60k per day on average (more than $100k now with the price spikes and rise in volume) and has 18 employees but they can’t get a fucking server functioning for shit. Every time the price starts to drop Mt. Gox lags to the point of being unusable. Either they’re incompetent or are manipulating the price. Higer price = Bigger profits.
Can’t someone save the free markets!
We must secure the existence of Bitcoin
It has recently come to my attention that white power hate powerhouse Stormfront.org is running out of cash and has resorted to a sad fundraiser in order to support their odious website and terrible forums. What can we do to help them in their continuing quest to preserve their racial “purity” and live in bunkers full of canned food and ammunition?
Loosen up your wallets, True Believers, let’s gather together and tell Don Black all about Bitcoin! Just imagine, the Currency of the Future⢠could also be the official currency of the white nationalist/Neo-Nazi movement!
Known haven for pedophiles, racists, and misogynists now accepting Bitcoin as payment for subscriptions
Reddit, bastion of free speech (as long as it’s speech with which they agree,) is now accepting payment for their pointless “Reddit Gold” service through Bitcoin processor Coinbase.
Of course, reddit CEO Yishan Wong has clarified that they don’t really accept buttcoins, but instead rely on another company to convert them into real money that a major company can use and report on tax records.
Inquiries on when reddit will be accepting Monopoly bills, chocolate coins, and replica Confederate dollars have gone unanswered.
I was only kidding (about “pedo stuff”)
In which a buttcoiner admits that he wanted a server set up for “pedo stuff.” Nobody noticed that part for a half-dozen posts, instead choosing to argue about who paid or didn’t pay whom.
Bitcoin, ladies and gentlemen.
Pretty sure that’s not how irony works, but what do I know?
Buttcoin pizza
Bitcoiners absolutely love their pizza, probably more than Cheetos and Mountain Dew. The first Bitcoin purchase was a pizza (trading Bitcoins for real money for pizza, of course, nobody actually accepts Bitcoin,) and it comes up again and again, along with less appealing food like dried strawberries or frightening beef jerky.
Now you, too, can throw your fake money away for greasy cardboard at the first Bitcoin pizza proxy service. Pay PizzaForCoins.com a stack of digital Pogs and they’ll convert it to actual money, call your local Domino’s (no good pizza joints allowed,) and order you a pile of cheese and questionable toppings. It will only take an extra twenty or thirty minutes to process the Bitcoin payment and have some random person read and convey your order (maybe even accurately!)
I’m not actually going to try to order a cheap pizza via Buttcoiner, so I’ll just assume there’s no option to tip your driver.
Stated elsewhere, “[t]he site does not disclose if it is intended to be a profit-earning enterprise.” It’s Bitcoin, so it’s nothing but pure 10% profit!
What would you do for a Bitcoin?
What horrible things would you be willing to do just to get some free “money?” Let’s find out!
I’m concerned that it would only take five bucks to convince a guy to do this.
Nobody wants to be your friend if you’re into Bitcoins.
Bitcointip: automated panhandling
“Bitcointip” is a bot written for reddit through which users can “tip” others by entering a sort of command in a comment reply. Agree with what someone says in your favorite misogynistic subreddit and clicking the little orange up arrow isn’t enough? Tip them for it!
This thing is obnoxious as all Hell for a number of reasons:
Bitcoiners are tightwads.
If one scans through the comment history of the bot, each response includes the amount of the “tip” in Bitcions and in USD. Most of these are fractions of Bitcoins and a pattern quickly becomes apparent: Bitcoiners are just throwing change at one another. This is like the world’s largest street corner, with hundreds of babbling, shouting lunatics spewing nonsense, empty coffee cups at their feet awaiting a “donation.”
It’s spammy as hell.
Instead of agreeing and possibly discussing things, Bitcoiners can just type “+bitcointip” along with some infinitesimal number and then the bot comes along to reply to them, informing the world that this person did in fact give a handful of pennies to another person in Internet play money. On a good (read: bad) day this can lead to a string of inane comments, making reddit an even worse place to be.
It’s pointless.
Trading cardboard cutouts of coins isn’t so bad as long as it’s kept in the basement of Bitcoin-related forums but Bitcoiners are hiding everywhere, trying to proselytize. Imagine, for a moment, that you read and participated in discussions at reddit (an awful proposition, but bear with me here.) You’re discussing a film or a funny picture or world news and say something others find insightful, funny, or any other number of slashdotesque adjectives. Most people would just upvote you and possibly agree, but Bitcoiners drive-by and spam “+bitciontip” and some penny amount. You don’t have a wallet. You don’t even know about Bitcoin. In an effort to understand what just happened, you read up on it a bit and find yourself staring into the abyss of a raging libertarian Hellscape. Fortunately you can just ignore it. Unfortunately if you do this, they get their “money” back.
They’re trying to spread it.
This is like the curse of Bitcoin. It can’t remain in its niche, it must spread and absolutely everyone in the world must know and be forced to use Bitcoin. There’s already one on twitter, and if they had their way, it would be all over Facebook, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Google+ (not really, nobody actually uses g+.)
Yes, clearly. Aside from being tied to Bitcoin.
Categories: Buttcoin Tags: bitcoin, bitcointip, buttcoin, Free market, freeloaders, money, stupid, terrible, tipping