Posts tagged "funny"

The ABCs of Bitcoin

A is for the ancaps, deluded though they are
B is for Bruce Wagner, and little boys afar

C is for cryptography, a cool thing wasted here
D is for DAD, FUCK YOU, knock when you come near

E is for electric bills and unkempt nests of cables
F is for furries and their awful dog dick tables

G is for graphics cards, using watts of juice
H is for heat, it’s all that they produce

I am for bitcoins, I swear they’re in demand
J is for journalists, who just don’t understand

K is for kilos of drugs bought in a flash
L is for laughter from stores who prefer cash

M is for MtGox, subject to Japan’s laws,
N is for this news, which is good because

O is for O-stock, where fleshlights sold out from
P is for pedos, who love the little ones

Q is for Quebec, with cheaper electricity
R is for Reddit, our fine community

S is for scammer tag, for those very misleading
T is for the tumblers, ignoring victims’ pleading

U is for unconfirmed, you’re holding up the lines
V is for Voorhees, he’s running from the fines

W is for wackos who preach Bitcoin creed
X is for X-rays their brains probably need

Y is for YOSPOS where laffchains bring mirth
Z is for zero: what Bitcoin is worth.

Thanks to Lansdowne, flakeloaf, Dixie Cretin Seaman, haveblue, and AlbieQuirky

Posted by killhamster - July 18, 2014 at 9:36 pm

Categories: Buttcoin, Featured   Tags: , ,

Mt. Gox’s MagicalTux is back, oblivious as ever

After months of silence following the totally unexpected and catastrophic collapse of the Magic: the Gathering Online eXchange, its CEO Mark Karpeles (AKA MagicalTux) has returned to the internet, posting on Twitter about PHP, yakisoba, and the Tokyo subways. It’s some pretty mundane stuff, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to return to a somewhat normal life in glorious Nippon.

Everybody whose shit was pushed in by the invisible hand, however, doesn’t want him to forget his follies and are intent on reminding him that they threw thousands of dollars away “investing” in an unstable proof of concept created by an anonymous libertarian. Read on for a lengthy gallery of people who have made terrible decisions: Read more…

Posted by killhamster - June 20, 2014 at 9:08 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Captains of Industry, Crime   Tags: , , , , , ,

The Bitcoin Bowl

Bitcoin fans rejoice! The once prestigious, ranked 39th out of 40 Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl in St. Petersburg, Florida, is now known as the Bitcoin bowl, thanks to the VC-funded, “we don’t have a business model” Bitcoin company Bitpay, who spent a whole $375,000 to sponsor the college bowl game for three years. No, this isn’t a desperate cry for legitimacy after Dogecoin sponsored NASCAR’s Josh Wise and sent him rocketing to weird internet stardom.

Naturally, some of the rules of college football will have to change to reflect the Bitcoin community’s values and standards. Thankfully, my awful pals at the SA forums have been more than happy to make some suggestions: Read more…

Posted by killhamster - June 18, 2014 at 10:56 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Editorial, Featured   Tags: , , , , ,

When all you have is Bitcoin…


Posted by killhamster - June 9, 2014 at 11:47 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Editorial   Tags: , , , , ,

Ye olde bit coines

What if the Bitcoin economy and community had existed in a different time? The SA forums goons took it upon themselves this weekend to explore this alternate history and what might have been.

Parallel Paraplegic starts things out with this:

People here are always pointing out how Bitcoin is all the lessons learned over the last thousand years about why we have protections and the economy that we have in fast forward, but I don’t even think some peasant living a thousand years ago would be as bad at money as some of the things I’ve seen Bitcoiners do.

Mammon Loves You immediately responds with this:

Lost all my wheat, Depressed, Pointless rant (self.Barter)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah6969

Last harvest I put all my wheat in the back of my wagon and then I went into town to trade the wagon for a pig but I forgot about all the wheat in it. So angry at myself right now.

Orange Sunshine won’t be fooled again!

Jebediah Miller is a scoundrel!

He has sworn that for every bushel of corn lent to him, he would return 3 bushels by week’s end. All were led to believe that he would plant this corn and that, by some method not disclosed, his farm would produce a plentiful bounty for everyone. But instead he and his family have grown fat eating our corn, and have done no farming whatsoever! I have given over to his trust the bulk of my farm’s production this year, and I know not how I will survive the upcoming winter.

Feinne has been spotted nailing theses in odd places

I petitioned for a sign proclaiming him a cad to be affix’d ‘pon his door but he merely exchanged his ill-gotten corn to the local lord to have it removed!

Splicer was found unconscious and gibbering next to a mining rig

Deal not with Butterfly Stables! (self.Horses)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah420

In return for a princely sum we were promised their finest dray-horse for January gone. This November morning I received what is mine; a nag of a horse worked near to death farming their own fields!

Pictures of my sweet farming rig! (self.FarmHacks)

submitted 6 hours ago by DryberryFarms

<crude woodcut of three ploughs nailed together vertically, all pulled by a single goat>

I have been feeding him naught but paraffin to improve his humors. Working well so far, some overheating.

QuarkJets must have used a cheap Chinese goose

I traded my donkey for a goose that lays golden eggs. The salesman said that you have to keep feeding it all of your food or else it will get jealous and lay no eggs at all. I keep feeding this accursed goose and it just honks loudly at me and never lays any eggs. After a few weeks of this my family was starving so I gave my son a crust of bread and the goose burst into flame, burning down my house.

Paladinus was spotted later lamenting the loss of his horse pictures

‘Tis come to my attention that some of you doubt the method behind alchemy. To this I say unto you the following. Times upon times have I been able to buy potions and black magic spells with the gold I’ve created through alchemic processes, a feat impossible with coins minted by the King. Before I was under close examination of inquisition, but now I have no fear for my life. If it is not a proof enough for you, you damn yourself with your own ignorance.

happyhippy will sell you a sack of unsigned royal contracts for cheap

So I met the dasterdly scoundrel round the back side of the local inn. In the stable area.
He was unkempt of hair and had a cheese like aroma to him, specially from his hands.
Before we could haggle for a good price of mine coines, he began to verse virtuous on not to sell them!
He said that rather selling to him, instead invest it with him in an adventure he proposed.
“An automatic coine exchange machine place in every inn and rest house!” I exclaimed.
“But good sir, who shall feed the ferrets in each contraption?!” I retorted.
The answer was not forthcoming. I cussed under my breath and walked away knowing he had no inclination to buying mine buottcoines.

Mammon Loves You could have been saved if only there were still SCAMMER placards

After becoming suspicious at the number of eggs that the trader “William” was willing to exchange for half a skinned rabbit I followed him home only to discover he is naught but a golem created from straw and clay by the moneylender Ephraim.

OwlBot 2000 is a serial smith-entrepreneur and will speak at your cathedral for a fair bit of gold

Hath not men of Reason found intrinsic Value to be without sense and without vigor? Foode is deare only by virtue of its Scarceness, and like may be said of all things in Nature; for Scarceness is the fount from whiche Value flows.

Powered Descent reminds us that there have always been libertarians

Bugger thee; I hath mine own.

Herman Merman was caught kissing the Reverend Dimmesdale behind a barn

Of late it seems like a great deluge of charlatains and conny-catchers hath afflicted our towne market.
How shall an honest yeoman tell curs and blackguardes apart from righteous menne, and not be unjustly parted from his buttecoines?
Mayhap we could add a scarlet lettering of some kynde beneath their likenesses.

thiswayliesmadness lives up to his name

I hath the idea to begin upon my greatest venture ever: A grand tourney for all the Lords and Ladies of the land to attend. There will be 25 different varieties of Punch and Judy shows for the urchins to partake, and my neighbor agreed to lend 3 of his mules for the knights to ride on. All I require from you is 3 wagons of lumber to hammer into the stands to make my dream come true. If I get enough donations I will hire this bard whom claims his ballads shall end the Great Crusades and bring about peace to all of his Majesty’s kingdom.

And finally, Jalumibnkrayal has big plans to match his big appetite and small mind

Goode day to all Christian persons read-ing this.

I most humbly request a king’s ransom of gold should be bequeath-ed to myself for mine purpose of rais-ing the Hub Barn of Rochelle in the Land of Wild Onions, so heathen named. Tis fallen in shameful disrepair as no men of God have lent hand or hoof to restore’t. I am no sickwaddle, and having work-ed on the lands of Ray D’Oshack, am willing to stipend half my living wages to this endeav-or. Tis not enough! We are still needed Thirty-Five times Ten-Thousand coins of kingsmark.

Moneys all needed for deeding mineself to hold title royal suff-icient to own this land and new barkeep sundries, as list-ed herein:

Five-foote bubble-watre fountain table.
Four-feete wooden boxe with fine latche and copper fittings.
One-and-one-half-foote pits dug for dumping of trash and night-soils.
One metal flat boarde, warm-ed underneath with burn-ing dung.
Thousandes of drink-ing bowles of diff’rent size and shape, all pleasing to God’s eyes.
Bavarii meat stick cook-er.
Bavarii meat stick bark powder.
Thousandes Bavarii meat stick metal twiggs.
Sweetsap spinning wheel, manned by those of befuddled mind.
Thousands drams of sweetsap and papers for gripp-ing.
Ye Tiny Wytches Bath, so made for browning of meats in hotoil.
Sundry devices for eating hotted cattle grains.
Clever Barnaby’s Bubble-Watre Fountain, a magni-ficent product of tubes of bent brass, piping noises and sully tank. Rotting fishes placed in tank do produce noxious vapors to travel through tubes and into tasty Bubble-Watres for drinking.
Five-gallones plagueman’s pepper concoction.
Five-gallones amber tincture of His Royal Crowne.
Five-gallones syrups of lemon and Orbs De Hispania.
Five-gallones lemon juices and blood.
Five-gallones grape-fruit novel-ty sweetsip.
Hub Barn itself.
Enough rugs such that no bare foot can touche God’s earth.
Engel Epson, man of loude yell-ing to talk about the pictures in the front of the barn.
Various jars of oils, spices, and ferments to place upon cook-ed Bavarii meats.
One eunuch, with iron hipbox for collection of moneyz from all who enter.
One raven, train-ed to bring creditte slips to local cave of hasids.
One firebox.
Enough boulders and haybales such that any Christian might sit and rest.
One firebox for make-ing papist pies.


Long-travelled from the Celestial-worshipping Orient, we have drawings of the Bear In the Hat, who did Travel the World in his Sky-chariot!


1 comment
Posted by killhamster - June 2, 2014 at 9:42 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Captains of Industry, Featured   Tags: , , ,

Computer viruses, but with Bitcoin!

SassmanBernankeWe’ve long known that arbitrary data can be embedded in the Bitcoin blockchain, starting with Dan Kaminsky‘s ASCII Ben Bernanke in his tribute to Len Sassaman. There are things such as verses from the Bible, links to deep web child pornography, and more, most of it garbage or harmless. However, every now and then someone decides to have a little bit of fun with the Bitcoin community.

The EICAR test file has been added to the blockchain, but it was sadly ineffective. Actual virus signatures, however, have turned out to be much more effective in prompting unsuspecting users’ computers to delete the blockchain. Truly, this is the currency of the future! Be your own bank, at least until your money is either stolen by malware or your infrastructure is removed by software that considers it malware!


Posted by killhamster - May 16, 2014 at 9:28 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Captains of Industry   Tags: , , ,

Buttcoin grab bag

Just an assortment of things we’ve collected over time.


















Posted by killhamster - May 1, 2014 at 12:29 pm

Categories: Buttcoin   Tags: , , ,

Bitcoin Mining Rigs 4: The Return of 5870

I’ve ventured back in time for some of these computing horrors, but don’t fret; altcoin mining still provides us with new fire hazards and high power bills!


Posted by killhamster - April 7, 2014 at 11:16 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Featured, Rigs   Tags: , , , , ,

Poetry, but with Bitcoin!

Today the Something Awful Forums goons reinterpret some of their favorite poetry to be all about Bitcoins and the results are somehow better than awful. Read on for some highlights:

Read more…

Posted by killhamster - March 27, 2014 at 9:20 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Featured   Tags: , , ,

IRS rules on Bitcoin; This is actually news!

What do you get when you combine Bitcoin, the United States Internal Revenue Service, frothing-at-the-mouth freeman on the land types, tax evaders, clueless, wild-eyed speculators, and a bunch of teenagers? You get yesterday, when the IRS announced that it considers Bitcoin to be property, not legal tender, and will tax it as such.

What does this mean for Bitcoin? It means that in the coming months, or even just the next few weeks, things are guaranteed to continue being hilarious. Immediately after the announcement, bitcoiners scrambled to be the first to misinterpret it and shout “this is good for Bitcoin!” Of course, these were few and far between, since most of the Bitcoin community flew into a rage and decided that it just didn’t have to obey the law.


Because this has worked so well in the past

Various sources have already begun analyzing and interpreting the ruling, and it’s packed full of hilarity. Mined coins are taxed at the exchange price at the time of the mining, Bitcoins are subject to capital gains taxes, requiring users to keep detailed records about buying and selling to properly calculate their taxes.


Also known as the “TurboTax Rule”

Furthermore, we may finally see some transparency with regard to the inner workings of payment processors such as Coinbase or Bitpay, who seemingly remain solvent thanks to venture capital, but are speculated to have other less-savory dealings to continue operating. Many of us are curious about their sources of income, exchange, and other operating procedures and the IRS may well have forced them into showing the world just what they’re made of.


I’m the offshore Bitcoin haven

This was all done three weeks before the annual personal tax deadline and applies to current, future, and, best of all, past Bitcoin purchases, profits, and losses.


Allow me to introduce my new “0 0 0″ tax plan. What’s infrastructure?

Meanwhile, reddit is frantically trying to figure out if Bitcoin ATMs are vending machines now, if they can sue the US federal government, and what it costs to buy an island to start their own nation.


Everyone involved with Bitcoin is going to end up in prison


The IRS just totally broke this guy’s brain.

What can we conclude from all this? Bitcoin just got trolled hard by the IRS.


For continuing updates and things to laugh at, please follow @buttcoin, @bitcoin_txt, and @shit_rbtc_says on twitter.

Posted by killhamster - March 26, 2014 at 9:23 am

Categories: Buttcoin, Featured   Tags: , , , ,

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