Some time ago we posted a collection of songs about Bitcoin, and they were all terrible. Thankfully, due to files being deleted and some sort of plugin misconfiguration, they’re no longer available. Unfortunately, SA Forums goon Paladinus dug up a bunch more for you to suffer through:
And then there’s this, which may or may not be from infamous burnout levitating rock festival planner dank:
I’ve ventured back in time for some of these computing horrors, but don’t fret; altcoin mining still provides us with new fire hazards and high power bills!
Today the Something Awful Forums goons reinterpret some of their favorite poetry to be all about Bitcoins and the results are somehow better than awful. Read on for some highlights:
What do you get when you combine Bitcoin, the United States Internal Revenue Service, frothing-at-the-mouth freeman on the land types, tax evaders, clueless, wild-eyed speculators, and a bunch of teenagers? You get yesterday, when the IRS announced that it considers Bitcoin to be property, not legal tender, and will tax it as such.
What does this mean for Bitcoin? It means that in the coming months, or even just the next few weeks, things are guaranteed to continue being hilarious. Immediately after the announcement, bitcoiners scrambled to be the first to misinterpret it and shout “this is good for Bitcoin!” Of course, these were few and far between, since most of the Bitcoin community flew into a rage and decided that it just didn’t have to obey the law.
Various sources have already begun analyzing and interpreting the ruling, and it’s packed full of hilarity. Mined coins are taxed at the exchange price at the time of the mining, Bitcoins are subject to capital gains taxes, requiring users to keep detailed records about buying and selling to properly calculate their taxes.
Furthermore, we may finally see some transparency with regard to the inner workings of payment processors such as Coinbase or Bitpay, who seemingly remain solvent thanks to venture capital, but are speculated to have other less-savory dealings to continue operating. Many of us are curious about their sources of income, exchange, and other operating procedures and the IRS may well have forced them into showing the world just what they’re made of.
This was all done three weeks before the annual personal tax deadline and applies to current, future, and, best of all, past Bitcoin purchases, profits, and losses.
Meanwhile, reddit is frantically trying to figure out if Bitcoin ATMs are vending machines now, if they can sue the US federal government, and what it costs to buy an island to start their own nation.
What can we conclude from all this? Bitcoin just got trolled hard by the IRS.
So Newsweek finally discovered who Satoshi is.
face of bitcoin pic.twitter.com/S1H5lFf2hJ
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) March 6, 2014
I figured out who is behind Bitcoin and it is three dogs in a trench coat.
— tricia (@AirBudTwo) March 6, 2014
you thought bitcoin was created by satoshi nakamoto but instead IT WAS ME, DIO!!!!
— LorenzDiener@Meow (@halcy) March 6, 2014
mr bitcoin revealed to be that dude you went to high school with who wore a trenchcoat and tripp pants EVERY DAY
— king barf (@barfcore) March 6, 2014
According to Newsweek, Ron Swanson invented Bitcoins apparently.
— Chris Maue (@cmaue) March 6, 2014
So Jason Biggs DIDN’T create Bitcoin?
— Oliver Sava (@OliverSava) March 6, 2014
This is great, the guy who created bitcoin and has $400 million worth of them drives a Corolla.
— Dan (@redball) March 6, 2014
The bitcoin community literally believes that you will be kidnapped and held for ransom if your bitcoin stash is public knowledge
— Relatable Ragecomic (@relateablefuuu) March 6, 2014
— Dan Nosowitz (@dannosowitz) March 17, 2014
The creator of Bitcoin removes his hood, revealing none other than VINCE MCMAHON. “IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, AUSTIN.”
— Cannonball Titcomb (@thatsnotkosher) March 6, 2014
We here at Buttcoin have obtained newly filed paperwork (1, 2) in the SEC’s case against Trendon Shavers, AKA pirateat40, owner of the now-collapsed pyramid scheme Bitcoin Savings and Trust. Some highlights:
- He’s been unemployed for 4 years. (Father of 10-ish year old twins)
- He began his ponzi efforts informally starting in February of 2011 through IRC channels, with microloans that turned into larger loans
- He said for the last 2 years he’s been “self employed in currency trading”. When asked what that meant, he said he used localbitcoins.com to arrange trades throughout Texas, always receiving cash for BTC.
- At a bitcoin conference in Las Vegas in July 2012, he hit up a bunch of bitcoin bigwigs for investments in his ponzi. They invested a lot into him, and he names names. Burt Wagner is the only name [our source] recognized. But he netted a lot of whales at that thing.
- Paraphrased question: Why did you take deposits in Vegas by paper transactions? “In Vegas I didn’t have access to a computer to be able to connect. Vegas’ network was horrible. So I told anybody that made deposits that I couldn’t verify on the server… I would pay them an additional percentage for those coins.”
- One of the Vegas investors stiffed him with the paper transaction, withdrawing the amount before the blockchain confirmed his deposit.
- He mentions that he had to change all of his passwords when bitcointalk got hacked: “It became Bill Cosby coins, a bunch of stuff got messed up, and everything went haywire, so they had everybody reset their passwords”
- He says about 60 to 70 percent of his ponzi was invested in Bitcoinica, the rest he was daytrading or cashing out in-person through localbitcoin.com.
- They seemed to spend like 30 minutes going around in a circle for pirate to explain that he used a large number of addresses to hide his transaction. Finally he had to spell it out: “It was to keep people from knowing exactly which large – I held most of the large bitcoin addresses on the internet. … they figured out a way to look through the blockchain to find out who has the most bitcoins. Well, for me, I needed a way to hide that.”
- He had some big bet with a bitcointalk poster named Vandroidy. He bet 5000 that he wasn’t a ponzi, apparently this was a big public thing? He had a big plan to publicly “mess” with vandroidy and win the bet, but his plans fell through as his entire business collapsed and he was behind hundreds of thousands of BTC.
- QUESTION: “Did you pay the 5000 bitcoin to Vandroidy?”
- ANSWER: “Oh yeah”<pause>
- QUESTION: “Why?”
- ANSWER: “Because I had to secure the bet”
- Shavers made an unsecured loan of 202,000 bitcoins to BTCST’s largest borrower, who promptly absconded with the funds.
- Shavers admits the July 2, 2012 rate-change announcement on the Bitcoin Forum precipitated a “wave” of withdrawal requests from BTCST investors.
- Pirate took in about 732,050 BTC.
- He paid out about 551,231 BTC…
- 150,649 BTC were transferred from the business wallet to Pirate’s personal accounts with… MT GOX! (deposition was taken in september, everything is silent as to the current status of the coins)
- At least $150,000 was successfully withdrawn as cash for him to live on
- The Fed is using curent exchange rates (3/3/14) to say investors were defrauded of $149 million
Additional food for thought:
Shavers paired with someone called “Big One” and “Number Two” to source coins and interest payments to keep his ponzi (a ponzi within a ponzi) going but he talked about “Big One” manipulating the market. He was basically suggesting that the Mt. Gox crashes that we saw happening on Fridays were his doing and that he had control of so many coins that he would cause a drop in price and scoop them up at lower prices on Friday, sell on Monday and give 10% interest on the invested coins to pirateat40. pirateat40 would then take his investor’s bitcoins, hand them to Big One”, he would drop the price again and reap more interest and then pay it out
Both “Big One” and “Number Two” had access to his bitcointalk account and posted on his behalf too. Silent bitcoin ponzi partners.
And finally, the icing on this cake of hilarity:
All admitted without legal counsel present, because Shavers considers himself a Freeman on the land, and therefore something something gold fringe berth certificate etc. He’s doomed.
If you’re not yet familiar with Bitcoin, then you probably have more normal friends than those of the “techie” variety or have managed to avoid people in libertarian-leaning circles. Bitcoin is a digital “cryptocurrency,” a sort of online cash that is generated via a network of computers crunching numbers to solve a mathematical puzzle, so to speak. The technical aspects can be quite difficult to explain and comprehend, especially to those who wouldn’t consider themselves computer literate or those who simply cannot be bothered to care.
It was created in 2009 by a person or persons going by the pseudonym “Satoshi Nakamoto” as an experimental proof of concept in building a trustless payment system for the “dangerously antisocial.” Banks and other traditional financial institutions are eschewed in favor of a point-to-point network that shares a public ledger of every transaction made throughout the system, the “blockchain,” which users must download (and upload) in order to participate in the network. There are some exceptions to this, but for the time being, we won’t be focusing on them.
The experiment went largely unnoticed at its beginning and was mostly the domain of cryptographers and other such geeks until mid-2010, when tech media attention increased and brought in a wave of new users. At this point people began to assign value to the Bitcoin, and Bitcoin exchanges began to spring up, allowing users to trade them for other currencies, most frequently the US dollar. As it gained popularity, it began to attract a different crowd of users, those who are ideologically opposed to governmental regulation and central banking, often identifying as libertarians or worse, anarcho-capitalists.
I love political cartooning, and this weekend a number of political cartoonists have either discovered or focused on Bitcoin. It’s great to see that cartoonists from all over the political spectrum can come together and mock libertarian shitheads:
Flailing wildly as it’s dragged into the swamp, the price of Bitcoin is sinking after Mt. Gox is revealed to be essentially insolvent, having no more money and no more Bitcoins. Meanwhile, all the other bitcoiners are distancing themselves from the falling giant after it once more halted withdrawals and deleted all of its twitter history.
Edit: Here is the lazily redacted income statement slide:
Thanks to /biz/ for reminding me to add the above image!