A is for the ancaps, deluded though they are
B is for Bruce Wagner, and little boys afar
C is for cryptography, a cool thing wasted here
D is for DAD, FUCK YOU, knock when you come near
E is for electric bills and unkempt nests of cables
F is for furries and their awful dog dick tables
G is for graphics cards, using watts of juice
H is for heat, it’s all that they produce
I am for bitcoins, I swear they’re in demand
J is for journalists, who just don’t understand
K is for kilos of drugs bought in a flash
L is for laughter from stores who prefer cash
M is for MtGox, subject to Japan’s laws,
N is for this news, which is good because
O is for O-stock, where fleshlights sold out from
P is for pedos, who love the little ones
Q is for Quebec, with cheaper electricity
R is for Reddit, our fine community
S is for scammer tag, for those very misleading
T is for the tumblers, ignoring victims’ pleading
U is for unconfirmed, you’re holding up the lines
V is for Voorhees, he’s running from the fines
W is for wackos who preach Bitcoin creed
X is for X-rays their brains probably need
Y is for YOSPOS where laffchains bring mirth
Z is for zero: what Bitcoin is worth.
Thanks to Lansdowne, flakeloaf, Dixie Cretin Seaman, haveblue, and AlbieQuirky
I’m still here you dorks. Stop panicking.
Even with ASIC mining forcing homemade rigs into extinction, altcoins and hapless newbies continue to provide us with “inventive” uses for computer hardware, cardboard, sticks, and zipties:
After months of silence following the totally unexpected and catastrophic collapse of the Magic: the Gathering Online eXchange, its CEO Mark Karpeles (AKA MagicalTux) has returned to the internet, posting on Twitter about PHP, yakisoba, and the Tokyo subways. It’s some pretty mundane stuff, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to return to a somewhat normal life in glorious Nippon.
Everybody whose shit was pushed in by the invisible hand, however, doesn’t want him to forget his follies and are intent on reminding him that they threw thousands of dollars away “investing” in an unstable proof of concept created by an anonymous libertarian. Read on for a lengthy gallery of people who have made terrible decisions: Read more…
Bitcoin fans rejoice! The once prestigious, ranked 39th out of 40 Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl in St. Petersburg, Florida, is now known as the Bitcoin bowl, thanks to the VC-funded, “we don’t have a business model” Bitcoin company Bitpay, who spent a whole $375,000 to sponsor the college bowl game for three years. No, this isn’t a desperate cry for legitimacy after Dogecoin sponsored NASCAR’s Josh Wise and sent him rocketing to weird internet stardom.
Naturally, some of the rules of college football will have to change to reflect the Bitcoin community’s values and standards. Thankfully, my awful pals at the SA forums have been more than happy to make some suggestions: Read more…
What if the Bitcoin economy and community had existed in a different time? The SA forums goons took it upon themselves this weekend to explore this alternate history and what might have been.
Parallel Paraplegic starts things out with this:
People here are always pointing out how Bitcoin is all the lessons learned over the last thousand years about why we have protections and the economy that we have in fast forward, but I don’t even think some peasant living a thousand years ago would be as bad at money as some of the things I’ve seen Bitcoiners do.
Mammon Loves You immediately responds with this:
Lost all my wheat, Depressed, Pointless rant (self.Barter)
submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah6969
Last harvest I put all my wheat in the back of my wagon and then I went into town to trade the wagon for a pig but I forgot about all the wheat in it. So angry at myself right now.
Orange Sunshine won’t be fooled again!
Jebediah Miller is a scoundrel!
He has sworn that for every bushel of corn lent to him, he would return 3 bushels by week’s end. All were led to believe that he would plant this corn and that, by some method not disclosed, his farm would produce a plentiful bounty for everyone. But instead he and his family have grown fat eating our corn, and have done no farming whatsoever! I have given over to his trust the bulk of my farm’s production this year, and I know not how I will survive the upcoming winter.
Feinne has been spotted nailing theses in odd places
I petitioned for a sign proclaiming him a cad to be affix’d ‘pon his door but he merely exchanged his ill-gotten corn to the local lord to have it removed!
Splicer was found unconscious and gibbering next to a mining rig
Deal not with Butterfly Stables! (self.Horses)
submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah420
In return for a princely sum we were promised their finest dray-horse for January gone. This November morning I received what is mine; a nag of a horse worked near to death farming their own fields!
Pictures of my sweet farming rig! (self.FarmHacks)
submitted 6 hours ago by DryberryFarms
<crude woodcut of three ploughs nailed together vertically, all pulled by a single goat>
I have been feeding him naught but paraffin to improve his humors. Working well so far, some overheating.
QuarkJets must have used a cheap Chinese goose
I traded my donkey for a goose that lays golden eggs. The salesman said that you have to keep feeding it all of your food or else it will get jealous and lay no eggs at all. I keep feeding this accursed goose and it just honks loudly at me and never lays any eggs. After a few weeks of this my family was starving so I gave my son a crust of bread and the goose burst into flame, burning down my house.
Paladinus was spotted later lamenting the loss of his horse pictures
‘Tis come to my attention that some of you doubt the method behind alchemy. To this I say unto you the following. Times upon times have I been able to buy potions and black magic spells with the gold I’ve created through alchemic processes, a feat impossible with coins minted by the King. Before I was under close examination of inquisition, but now I have no fear for my life. If it is not a proof enough for you, you damn yourself with your own ignorance.
happyhippy will sell you a sack of unsigned royal contracts for cheap
So I met the dasterdly scoundrel round the back side of the local inn. In the stable area.
He was unkempt of hair and had a cheese like aroma to him, specially from his hands.
Before we could haggle for a good price of mine coines, he began to verse virtuous on not to sell them!
He said that rather selling to him, instead invest it with him in an adventure he proposed.
“An automatic coine exchange machine place in every inn and rest house!” I exclaimed.
“But good sir, who shall feed the ferrets in each contraption?!” I retorted.
The answer was not forthcoming. I cussed under my breath and walked away knowing he had no inclination to buying mine buottcoines.
Mammon Loves You could have been saved if only there were still SCAMMER placards
After becoming suspicious at the number of eggs that the trader “William” was willing to exchange for half a skinned rabbit I followed him home only to discover he is naught but a golem created from straw and clay by the moneylender Ephraim.
OwlBot 2000 is a serial smith-entrepreneur and will speak at your cathedral for a fair bit of gold
Hath not men of Reason found intrinsic Value to be without sense and without vigor? Foode is deare only by virtue of its Scarceness, and like may be said of all things in Nature; for Scarceness is the fount from whiche Value flows.
Powered Descent reminds us that there have always been libertarians
Bugger thee; I hath mine own.
Herman Merman was caught kissing the Reverend Dimmesdale behind a barn
Of late it seems like a great deluge of charlatains and conny-catchers hath afflicted our towne market.
How shall an honest yeoman tell curs and blackguardes apart from righteous menne, and not be unjustly parted from his buttecoines?
Mayhap we could add a scarlet lettering of some kynde beneath their likenesses.
thiswayliesmadness lives up to his name
I hath the idea to begin upon my greatest venture ever: A grand tourney for all the Lords and Ladies of the land to attend. There will be 25 different varieties of Punch and Judy shows for the urchins to partake, and my neighbor agreed to lend 3 of his mules for the knights to ride on. All I require from you is 3 wagons of lumber to hammer into the stands to make my dream come true. If I get enough donations I will hire this bard whom claims his ballads shall end the Great Crusades and bring about peace to all of his Majesty’s kingdom.
And finally, Jalumibnkrayal has big plans to match his big appetite and small mind
Goode day to all Christian persons read-ing this.
I most humbly request a king’s ransom of gold should be bequeath-ed to myself for mine purpose of rais-ing the Hub Barn of Rochelle in the Land of Wild Onions, so heathen named. Tis fallen in shameful disrepair as no men of God have lent hand or hoof to restore’t. I am no sickwaddle, and having work-ed on the lands of Ray D’Oshack, am willing to stipend half my living wages to this endeav-or. Tis not enough! We are still needed Thirty-Five times Ten-Thousand coins of kingsmark.
Moneys all needed for deeding mineself to hold title royal suff-icient to own this land and new barkeep sundries, as list-ed herein:
Five-foote bubble-watre fountain table.
Four-feete wooden boxe with fine latche and copper fittings.
One-and-one-half-foote pits dug for dumping of trash and night-soils.
One metal flat boarde, warm-ed underneath with burn-ing dung.
Thousandes of drink-ing bowles of diff’rent size and shape, all pleasing to God’s eyes.
Bavarii meat stick cook-er.
Bavarii meat stick bark powder.
Thousandes Bavarii meat stick metal twiggs.
Sweetsap spinning wheel, manned by those of befuddled mind.
Thousands drams of sweetsap and papers for gripp-ing.
Ye Tiny Wytches Bath, so made for browning of meats in hotoil.
Sundry devices for eating hotted cattle grains.
Clever Barnaby’s Bubble-Watre Fountain, a magni-ficent product of tubes of bent brass, piping noises and sully tank. Rotting fishes placed in tank do produce noxious vapors to travel through tubes and into tasty Bubble-Watres for drinking.
Five-gallones plagueman’s pepper concoction.
Five-gallones amber tincture of His Royal Crowne.
Five-gallones syrups of lemon and Orbs De Hispania.
Five-gallones lemon juices and blood.
Five-gallones grape-fruit novel-ty sweetsip.
Hub Barn itself.
Enough rugs such that no bare foot can touche God’s earth.
Engel Epson, man of loude yell-ing to talk about the pictures in the front of the barn.
Various jars of oils, spices, and ferments to place upon cook-ed Bavarii meats.
One eunuch, with iron hipbox for collection of moneyz from all who enter.
One raven, train-ed to bring creditte slips to local cave of hasids.
Enough boulders and haybales such that any Christian might sit and rest.
One firebox for make-ing papist pies.
To any Whom would ask WHY SHALL I ENTER INTO THIS BARN WHENCE I HAVE ONE OF MINE OWN?
Long-travelled from the Celestial-worshipping Orient, we have drawings of the Bear In the Hat, who did Travel the World in his Sky-chariot!
NO HASIDS OR MUSSELMEN.
Reddit user BostonHelper has helpfully collected a number of angry posts from people who have purchased KnCMiner’s “Super Jupiter” ASIC Bitcoin mining rigs for upwards of $10,000. Their “investments” arrived with evidence of previous use, shoddy workmanship, and general disrepair. Stories of RMAs and refused refunds abound, but as always, the true comedy is in the crumbling, smashed, and barely assembled mining rigs that cost thousands of dollars for some reason:
Perennial Bitcoin Übermensch Bruce Wagner has returned to the spotlight with a new totally-not-a-scam website and plan to make buying Bitcoins easier! BuyBitcoin dot com seems to aim to replace the currently unavailable LocalBitcoins website through the use of a gay hookup social networking app, creating the “The Human Bitcoin ATM Project”, a network of 78-year-old men with buttcoins acting as ATMs, or, since they’re neither automatic nor machines, tellers. Simply set your age to 78, then only search for other 78-year-olds who’ve changed their user icons to a group of hands groping a Bitcoin. If you want to hook up or buy bitcoins, just check the app that was not at all designed to facilitate Bitcoin trades for nearby marks and then knife them in a parking garage, just like you would on LocalBitcoins!
We’ve long known that arbitrary data can be embedded in the Bitcoin blockchain, starting with Dan Kaminsky‘s ASCII Ben Bernanke in his tribute to Len Sassaman. There are things such as verses from the Bible, links to deep web child pornography, and more, most of it garbage or harmless. However, every now and then someone decides to have a little bit of fun with the Bitcoin community.
The EICAR test file has been added to the blockchain, but it was sadly ineffective. Actual virus signatures, however, have turned out to be much more effective in prompting unsuspecting users’ computers to delete the blockchain. Truly, this is the currency of the future! Be your own bank, at least until your money is either stolen by malware or your infrastructure is removed by software that considers it malware!